I’m a woman who spent a few years in and out of abusive relationships. I was one of those stubborn ones who continued to turn a blind eye to red flags flapping in the breeze. It may not have mattered if there’d been a noisy parade underneath the red flags; I’m sure I would have continued to ignore them. But life has a sense of humor, doesn’t it? It seems it will always cycle us back to the same lesson over and over again until we finally learn how to avoid it the next time around.
While I was still in the thick of one of my abusive relationships, I was physically assaulted by my partner. While reeling in shock, red welts and bruises appeared immediately on my neck and arm. I was frightened for my life and the lives of my children who were in another room, and at the same time, livid that a man who claimed to love me could put his hands on me.
I called the police and had him arrested. Sadly, his and my relationship didn’t end when he was released from jail. It was many more months before I finally believed in my own worth enough to remove him completely from my life. The physical assault was only one outward manifestation of many hours, days, weeks, and months of emotional and verbal abuse. I carried far more unhealed internal scabs, bruises, cuts, and sores than external wounds.
Why do abused women put up with it? Because we think that’s what love is. Because we don’t know how it feels to be valued by a man who loves us the right way. Because we’re desperate for validation. Because we can’t stand to be alone. Because we don’t know how to start over.
Fast forward six years from that early morning call to the police, and I was contacted by a volunteer attorney who was helping my ex-abuser petition to have the domestic assault charge removed so he could obtain housing and a steady job. The attorney asked me to write a letter of forgiveness. Can you imagine what your response would be if you were in my shoes? Every cell in my body, every corner of my soul was screaming, "Hell no." My time with my abuser had cost me many hours in therapy. I wanted to yell and curse at the attorney, but all I could choke out on the phone was, “Let me think about it.”
As my abuser's court date for the petition grew closer, I couldn’t force the request from my mind. It had been five years since this man had played any part in my life, and I wondered why was I still tightly holding on to a choice to not forgive. If we say we are not defined by our pasts, that we don’t dwell on things in the past, then why do we have a hard time forgiving those who’ve hurt us?
Am I saying that all women or men who’ve been abused have to forgive? No. I can’t fathom some of the horrific situations some have endured. I can’t tell you what to do when I haven’t walked in your shoes. But I knew what I had to do. I know what I continue to have to do…forgive when it’s possible for me to forgive. I knew that writing a letter of forgiveness would be the final step in my process. Once I made that decision, the letter flowed out of me like the last painful tears I had been storing:
“My name is Rachel Quam, and I was involved in an incident with Mr. X. That incident involved Mr. X leaving bruises on me during a physical struggle. Mr. X did not punch, hit, or kick me at that time (or any other time), but did push me and grab my arm during the incident. I do realize that Mr. X never intended to hurt me and that things happened during the course of the physical struggle that neither of us intended.
Both Mr. X and I have moved on, and while we do not see nor talk to each other, I have since forgiven him. I have come to realize that we all make mistakes, but we all deserve a second chance. Allowing Mr. X to have a second chance is the final step in my process of forgiveness. Choosing to forgive him also grants me freedom as well. I have no intentions of reconnecting or communicating with Mr. X at any time in the future, but I do wish for him to have as many chances at success in life as possible. Thank you for your consideration.”
When I finished the letter and sent it to the attorney to be read at the petition hearing, I felt like the last bit of ice in my heart melted away and I was finally open to receive life, love, and happiness once again. My choice to forgive him really wasn’t for him; it was for me. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to receive what life had planned for me without letting go for good. That meant releasing any pent-up anger I’d been insisting I needed. Realizing failing to forgive was only causing me pain drove me to make the conscious choice to let go.
What do we find when we forgive? We find that our attachment to seeing revenge heaped on those who hurt us is released. We no longer care if karma collects its dues. We lose our tether to the past, enabling us to walk more freely into the future. We see good come into our lives, and we are freer to allow love to flow through us.
Forgiveness looks different for every one of us. Some of us won't ever need to do anything beyond making a mental choice to forgive. Other of us may not find rest until we take action, such as initiating a difficult conversation, reaching out with a kind gesture, or writing an intimate letter, even if it's never sent. For our own healing, we may have to prove to ourselves that we are serious about letting go. We may need to put pen to paper or speak words of grace while looking into the eyes of the one who has caused us pain. These hard steps enable us to let the emotions exit our souls and dissipate into the universe, never again to wreck havoc on our peace.
The best part of pushing myself to write that letter? My ex-abuser’s petition was granted. Now he has a new chance at life too. How he uses it is up to him. I’ve already let go.