In the wake of #metoo and all of the sexual abuse that has come into public view within the past year, my mind has been churning, processing thoughts and emotions related to my own #metoo encounters. It has been an intense process of healing, and I am not finished yet. Although the growth that occurs through restoration is astounding, I sometimes wonder if I will wrestle with the process for the rest of my life.
What I have survived is not uncommon; some statistics state 1 in 3 women will experience a form of sexual assault at some point in their lifetime. Numbers for men indicate 1 in 6 will be sexually assaulted. These are staggering statistics. The time for it to stop is NOW. The more we talk about it, the more light is shed on it, and the more we can work together to prevent it. It takes you and I joining in solidarity in this fight.
One way we can help interrupt the cycle of sexual assault is by understanding how to support survivors. By coming alongside victims of assault, we help them feel valued, loved, and heard. When a survivor knows there are people in his or her corner who love them, it can help prevent further instances of assault by bolstering the survivor's sense of self-worth. For example, this works to enforce the survivor's ability to protect themselves by giving them the tools to know when a situation may turn dangerous. Also, love and support can increase the survivor's courage to choose to disclose a new assailant's attempt to harm them instead of staying silent due to fear of retaliation. Supporting a survivor is not as difficult as you may think; there are some simple "dos" and "don'ts" I will discuss below.
Although this post follows on the wave of revealed sexual assault found in the public eye, the steps I list here can be used with any trauma survivor, not just those who have survived sexual assault. Trauma is essentially an emotional response to a terrifying event. Causes of trauma are unfortunately numerous; some examples are rape, natural disasters, neglect, the death of a loved one, abuse, and addiction within the family. It can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, race, religion, or sexual orientation. Trauma tends to manifest itself in emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral, and social symptoms. Although challenging, healing from trauma is possible. The following tools may help you, either as a survivor or as a support person.
Do give a survivor time. Healing does not happen overnight. There is no definitive timeframe for healing. It takes as long as it takes. Do not force him or her to talk about it.
Do not expect a survivor to always be kind, loving, and caring towards you or others. Sometimes it takes everything a survivor has just to function day-to-day in a world that seems overwhelming and painful. Harshness is often a defense mechanism for the survivor. Try not to take it personally.
Do give a survivor space when they ask for it. If he or she states they need time alone, again, try not to take it personally. Sometimes the safest place to be for a survivor is in solitude, with time to process and just breathe.
Do not be surprised when a survivor has trouble being alone. At other times, he or she may be extremely afraid of being alone. Ask them what they need and be willing to provide it. Sometimes it is as simple as just coexisting in silence.
Do ask what type of physical touch makes the survivor comfortable. He or she may not like hugs, or kisses, or even holding hands. Some survivors cannot handle any physical touch. Be sensitive to what your loved one needs, and do not push them to accept anything else. They will let you know when they are ready for more.
Do not be shocked by triggers. Triggers are frightening to a survivor. He or she will feel out of control when they happen. The unfortunate thing is that some triggers are not known until they happen. Ask your loved on what triggers they are aware of, but also understand that you both may be caught off guard by new ones. Learn to not overreact... it is not personal to you.
Do help the survivor find creative outlets or healthy coping mechanisms. He or she needs a way to let off steam without causing pain or disconnect from their support system. Hobbies, physical activity, or music are some examples. What works is different from person to person.
Do not waver in your belief of the survivor. He or she must know you believe what they are telling you. Statistics show that lies related to assault or abuse are extremely rare. What your loved one needs from you most is to be believed and heard.
Do give the survivor choices whenever possible. He or she feels that their personal power was ripped away in the moment of trauma. Having choices, even with something as simple as where to eat lunch, helps the survivor gain back a sense of control, piece by piece.
Do not overstep boundaries. The survivor must know you are someone who is safe. Learn appropriate interpersonal boundaries. Do not share something that is inappropriate. Avoid making him or her uncomfortable. He or she needs to have their personal space where they feel they have a wall of safety.
Do know your own limits. If you do not feel qualified to help a trauma survivor process certain aspects of their experiences, direct them in the appropriate direction to the help they need. Do not attempt to get involved when you know you may not be able to support them. Find your own support when needed.
Do not allow the survivor to blame themselves. Assault is NEVER the survivor's fault. EVER. PERIOD. Neither is trauma.
Do be prepared for flashbacks. A survivor may have moments of being disoriented and detached from the present, as they re-experience the trauma. Ahead of time, ask the survivor what may be beneficial to support them during a flashback. Practice grounding techniques together, such as deep breathing or holding something comforting.
Love the trauma survivor unconditionally. Without walking a mile in his or her shoes, you have no idea what they have experienced. Love them without limits. Let them know you will never care for them any less, no matter how much their pain bubbles to the surface. Help them understand you will not take their outbursts personally. Support them and stand by them as they heal. You will be amazed by your own personal growth through the process.
Although challenging, the healing process for a trauma survivor is possible. Because it is so frightening, we desperately need our close friends, loved ones, and family to stand beside us as we follow the journey. We cannot do it without you. We need you to know what to do and what not to do. Doing the wrong thing will make the trauma feel worse, and we may push you farther away. Doing the right thing will help us heal.
Hopefully the suggestions above can support you and your loved ones through the process of restoration and renewal. A trauma survivor may be broken, but he or she is no less strong or beautiful. If you can do nothing else, let your loved one know you hear them and you love them.
We survivors can never thank our support networks enough.